Stained Letters

             I sit in a spinning room. There is needlework on the walls with sayings that dig deep into my skin. I am in the center, with my knees held to my chest, as the world turns. Faster and faster, I am dizzy and sick to my stomach, but it won't stop. After a moment of trying to follow the colors and letters that blur past, I have to put my cheek against my knee and close my eyes. My stomach still won't settle. I made the first move...I pressed the button on the wall that started this endless turn of events. I did not check to look if there was an off button...even if there is, I cannot see it now.
            I know at some point I will become so sick that I will be unconscious to the world, but for right now, I just wish for some end.

      There are colors in my head
       I'm sure they match those
      In my heart.
      It feels as if there are words
      In some unknown language
      That are written there.
      I fear that when I try to read them
      I won't like their message.
      So I am stuck
      In a turning room,
      Ill for all eternity.
      Until I face the stained
      Letters on my heart.

Oh Handsome Knight....sigh

           Don't lose hope for your knight in shining armor; He is there. There is someone out there who thinks of you at every moment, who will open every door hoping that you are behind it. There is someone who would travel through the endless desert sands, the deepest reaches of the deadly ocean, if he could find you. He would call every morning just so the first voice you hear in the morning is his, and the first person he speaks with is you. Who would try everything to find a way to make you happy, to comfort you when you cry or are in anger. Fix me.
          When I cry, I wrap my arms about myself and try to delve deeper inside where it is safe, isolated, and the same. I plead for you to drag me out, but I shouldn't have to. When I laugh, you ask me why, and only when you learn the reason will you laugh - if only at me. There are more important things that hold your attention.
           There is no human man out there that is capable of loving endlessly, being truly romantic without guile, or thinking of only one woman. After coming to this realization you have a few options: a dog is really your best bet for hugs, adoration, laughing when you laugh, loyalty. and listening; God is always sitting right next you, ready to listen, to take on your pain, your joy, your love. Just remember that humans are never going to always be there for you; unconditional anything is simply beyond their mind capacities and abilities.
           Meanwhile, so many of us will be sitting on our steps waiting for Prince Charming to come searching for only us. I suppose I will treat this entry as a checklist.

Thought for the day: Don't be afraid to have high standards...but don't let yourself wait around forever.

A Note to the Elephant In the Room:

Dear Sir,
Your stare is getting quite difficult to ignore or avoid. I find that I truly want to look into your gaze - it may not be so terrible as I may have imagined. Out of the corner of my eye I see your shifting eyes and I lose my nerve.
 Sometimes I open my mouth as if to speak to you (I am quite lonely, you know) and quickly snap my mouth shut.
Above all else, I am afraid of your voice, of what it might sound like. I know it must be great and terrible.
 I fear what you would say. You wouldn't shout at me, I'm sure. It would be like a rumbling tremor in the floor that would ripple to where I stood. You would tell me how impractical I am being, how I am emotionally unstable and I need to get my act together. I just know I would break under the weight...
....because I know it's all true...
You have planted your enormous hide in the corner that I enjoyed the most. No longer being able to approach this corner, I feel my daily life...lacking. My coffee pot is over there...
I feel the room move when you shift your weight; you only do this when I find myself forgetting that you are there. I cannot forget for more than a few sweet moments.
I wish you would pack up and leave, but where would you go?
I feel bad dismissing you so. If you are going to be in anyone's way, it might as well be me, I suppose. You are company at least. Besides, if you leave now, I would probably miss you.
Most Sincerely,
Your Host

The Room Leans to One Side Under My Feet

This dark room is filled with...well, anything but you. I try to tear my mind away - perhaps if I focus on the whiteness of the walls...they really need some good paint.
I keep the tv on and flip the channels, trying to find a laugh. I finally land on "Whose Line is it Anyway". It helps for a few minutes. But I wish you were sitting here with me, watching it.
The white light of the computer hurts my eyes after so long, but I'm afraid to put it away. I keep out as many distractions as possible. I try to make myself comfortable, but nothing is the same as home. I try to keep the window open, but I go quickly from hot to cold. Laughter brings tears to my eyes and I forget for a moment...then I suddenly want to share scene on tv with you.
Something has changed. Only a few spare weeks ago, I wasn't afraid of my thoughts. Sometimes I think that I wanted to share every thought with you anyway...it didn't matter that I didn't know you yet...I just knew that you were out there. But I wasn't afraid to turn out the lights at night before I met you. Until one morning I dreamt that you were sleeping next to me and I couldn't understand why you weren't there when I woke up.
Now that my exhaustion has caught up with me, I hope I sleep soundly...and I still want to think of you. I fear you are not thinking of me...after all: life gets in the way.
I fear you may have become my life, so my room is slanting and all the furniture is rolling to my end and I am cramped over here with chairs tripping me up because I can't help but see your face. You seem to be dwelling deep in thought while you sit on your remaining chair, looking down at me. You have to dig your heels in deep to keep from joining me...I just hope you don't do that on purpose.