Bad day

If you have not read this blog before, please first read one of my nice narratives before reading this post. This, unfortunately, is more of a rant.

There are certain things that ruin my day and I'm not sure that I should tell you what they are. I can tell you one.
This day started wonderfully, albeit late. Sleep does wonders for me, as it does for every living thing. I will not bother you with a breakdown of my day, but I tell you this just to rant, maybe to see if someone is like me out there.
 One thing in particular bothers me and it's something that I have been struggling with for years...close to a decade actually. I'd like to think it's just my thick German blood, but I've seen them, I've heard about how thin those women could be. I have seen my grandmother's wedding dress, the waist not much more than a handspan across. What I would give to have that waist.
Recently, after certain events, that must remain nameless - for now, I have started to become more and more concerned. I have tried everything...weeks of dieting and I started going to the gym about 9 weeks ago; I go 3-5 days a week. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
According to every individual, I'm missing something key. "It's because you need more muscle", "It's because you need to limit your calories" "It's because you're eating too few calories", "You just need to stop eating bread". The worst is when people say, "You just need to be more determined". Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you.
Another terrible thing is when someone tells me that I'm fine and I just need to stop obsessing about it. Stop. Lying. I know I'm not fine. There is no way in hell that I'm fine.
I'm that girl-who-would-be-pretty-if-she-was-just-thinner.
So I'm trying. Hard. I want to cry. I feel as if I have lost that ability. I am always on the verge, but I can't quite get there. I think it would help me relax. I have started to love running. When I'm running it feels like I am getting somewhere. Finally. But I get back and nothing has changed. I. Must. Not. Give. Up. Something has to help me, because this hurts.

I apologize for the rant. I will maybe write a narrative next time. 

On A Snowy Spring Day

The bitter snow batters against my window pane. It teases me, reminding me of other snows, other years...other...situations. The bricks of the other dorm, feet from the glass reminds me that this could easily be a cell; but it is one that I enjoy. Like the prisoner that feels safe behind familiar bars, I write to you. I wish that I was a princess in a tower, but my hair is not long enough to toss down to you. The outside world is daunting and I do not want to face it today.

It has been a long time since I wrote in this blog. I feel that I have good reason. Writing is painful. It is a flood of feeling that has broken the dam. And no dam is built for the hell of it. Every time I write I remember. Every memory hurts, whether bad or good, and I believe it is Nietzsche who (if I may paraphrase) says that forgetting is a good thing that makes room for the rest of your life.
I know that many of my friends and family believe that I have made bad decisions and that they judge me for them. I judge me for them too. I cannot help but believe that they were essential factors to who I am.
If I may speak to those few people for a moment or two (and note that I speak to any reader, because my experiences may help you in whatever way your life leads). Do not make mistakes with me, but walk with me through this life; when you stumble, I will grasp your arm, when I fall, pick me up. Let us not chastise each other by saying "pick your feet up higher over the branches", "watch where you're going". There may have been dust in your eye; I may have seen an eagle nesting. If we do chastise each other, let it be after we have picked each other up and dusted off.

Thought for the day:
Chastisement must always be accompanied by action, but action must not always accompany chastisement.