If you have not read this blog before, please first read one of my nice narratives before reading this post. This, unfortunately, is more of a rant.
There are certain things that ruin my day and I'm not sure that I should tell you what they are. I can tell you one.
This day started wonderfully, albeit late. Sleep does wonders for me, as it does for every living thing. I will not bother you with a breakdown of my day, but I tell you this just to rant, maybe to see if someone is like me out there.
One thing in particular bothers me and it's something that I have been struggling with for years...close to a decade actually. I'd like to think it's just my thick German blood, but I've seen them, I've heard about how thin those women could be. I have seen my grandmother's wedding dress, the waist not much more than a handspan across. What I would give to have that waist.
Recently, after certain events, that must remain nameless - for now, I have started to become more and more concerned. I have tried everything...weeks of dieting and I started going to the gym about 9 weeks ago; I go 3-5 days a week. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
According to every individual, I'm missing something key. "It's because you need more muscle", "It's because you need to limit your calories" "It's because you're eating too few calories", "You just need to stop eating bread". The worst is when people say, "You just need to be more determined". Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you.
Another terrible thing is when someone tells me that I'm fine and I just need to stop obsessing about it. Stop. Lying. I know I'm not fine. There is no way in hell that I'm fine.
I'm that girl-who-would-be-pretty-if-she-was-just-thinner.
So I'm trying. Hard. I want to cry. I feel as if I have lost that ability. I am always on the verge, but I can't quite get there. I think it would help me relax. I have started to love running. When I'm running it feels like I am getting somewhere. Finally. But I get back and nothing has changed. I. Must. Not. Give. Up. Something has to help me, because this hurts.
I apologize for the rant. I will maybe write a narrative next time.
There are certain things that ruin my day and I'm not sure that I should tell you what they are. I can tell you one.
This day started wonderfully, albeit late. Sleep does wonders for me, as it does for every living thing. I will not bother you with a breakdown of my day, but I tell you this just to rant, maybe to see if someone is like me out there.
One thing in particular bothers me and it's something that I have been struggling with for years...close to a decade actually. I'd like to think it's just my thick German blood, but I've seen them, I've heard about how thin those women could be. I have seen my grandmother's wedding dress, the waist not much more than a handspan across. What I would give to have that waist.
Recently, after certain events, that must remain nameless - for now, I have started to become more and more concerned. I have tried everything...weeks of dieting and I started going to the gym about 9 weeks ago; I go 3-5 days a week. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
According to every individual, I'm missing something key. "It's because you need more muscle", "It's because you need to limit your calories" "It's because you're eating too few calories", "You just need to stop eating bread". The worst is when people say, "You just need to be more determined". Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you.
Another terrible thing is when someone tells me that I'm fine and I just need to stop obsessing about it. Stop. Lying. I know I'm not fine. There is no way in hell that I'm fine.
I'm that girl-who-would-be-pretty-if-she-was-just-thinner.
So I'm trying. Hard. I want to cry. I feel as if I have lost that ability. I am always on the verge, but I can't quite get there. I think it would help me relax. I have started to love running. When I'm running it feels like I am getting somewhere. Finally. But I get back and nothing has changed. I. Must. Not. Give. Up. Something has to help me, because this hurts.
I apologize for the rant. I will maybe write a narrative next time.
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