1,2,3, now decide!

Sorry, it just isn't that easy. My entire life I knew what I wanted to be. I did not care how hard it would be to achieve; when people pointed out the obstacles, my resolve would harden further. I guess all of those observations finally hit me, just now.
Those stairs look too steep to climb; my calves burn just peering at them from all the way down here.
The water looks too cold; how do they expect me to dive in to the deep end when I cannot see the bottom. Perhaps sticking a toe in will do...
Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. I cannot be called old, but that does not mean that I will not become old trying. I will spend years of my life that have not already been forced out of me in grades 1-12 trying to reach the ever-mysterious goal of being happy. Because right now I am not. I am not completely unhappy, but I sure could name a few things that would make me happy. Namely; being filthy rich, or even just rich enough that I will never have to worry about falling behind again. I am running the stress gauntlet and I am hoping to God that there is a stress free light on the other end.
Meanwhile, I am stuck in the middle of the gauntlet and scared out of my mind that this is all there is.
Thought for the day: find something to do that makes you happy; forget about everything but the present.

Cheating in the game of life

Often times I find myself unable to focus, unable to remember where I am. I cannot remember memory from dream, or situation in a book from my daily schedule. I find myself scared out of my mind because I distinctly remember that I was under his control because he took my money; the last time I fell in love (or thought I did) he was not who he said he was. I cannot remember if I have lived this, or if I have only read it.
I suppose this is a strange way to make my way around the world, but in cannot help but find myself somewhat happy with this situation. Reading is my way of experiencing situations and personas that would ordinarily be out of my reach.
I have to wonder that if I was not so absorbed in these fantastical worlds, would my own, real life become more interesting? Would I put more effort into it? Right now I feel like I can always fall back on my books, my own characters, and characters that other people have created...I don't know if that's wrong. Without them, would I even be able to survive reality? Would I be able to accept that life is not a fairy tale, and there is no one waiting for me? Can I accept that there does not have to be a happy ending and very well might end up a failure?
I feel like I may have cheated somehow at the game of life. I get to go away for awhile and I'm not sure if everyone can do that. The problem is that when I am forced to stay away from books and focus on something else (like schoolwork) my mind cannot accept it. I can only remember where I am in the book and how it will end...
Because I'm not sure if i care to know how my own life will end.

Two Roads...

There are not many people that I love, but when I love, it is a fierce love.
Then you're not on their mind...when someone new steps in and takes your place, you fight. You fight until you realize that it wasn't you they chose. Then you hate, you despise the person that took them away from you because you have lost your mind. You have lost your mind because your friend is gone...maybe forever.
So what do I do? I have no idea....You cannot simply hate people because they took someone from you. But I can think of no good qualities, no good reason to tolerate their presence. I can just say I'll be waiting when you leave. If they leave...
How can I still be a good person if I dislike a person for this. This feeling can ruin any further relationship further down the road...
This poem by Robert Frost expresses my life right now, maybe it defines yours as well.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

I am the mouse on your kitchen floor

There is something about the upside of a cupboard that says "alone with my thoughts". I slide to the floor. Not so gracefully, but that's okay; no one is watching me. I know this. Even when the room is full of people, there is no one. Their legs are like skyscrapers; they don't feel human, they do not have eyes. 
Below the clouds, there are floorboards that creak as the towers move. Like Tolkein's Ents they are like creatures of another world that even now, impact my own. I must brace myself to this wind, then suddenly, there is no sound.
My eyes are like the lens of a camera, flashing, taking picture after picture. A knot in the golden wood is rough on my hands as I try to remember where I am in the room. It is a close up view of the world that I am used to seeing only as a landscape. I am a mouse on the floor, looking up into the impossibly big world. Unlike such a mouse, I am unafraid. This is a corner of my mind. A place where yes, everything looks big, but everything is up close and I can see its very nature. From down here, the world is going nowhere. There are no windows, no time of day. Just a cupboard, an oven, a turnaround in the corner. All sitting lazily by, not caring whether or not I pay attention to them.
I almost want a bite of cheese.


Thought for the day: Sit alone on your floor!
thanks for reading...

What's My Name Again?

Well, you don't know it. But I should probably know, right?
It has been a good day so far. Riding my pony made it much better this morning. I feel that it's ok to get excited and pat yourself on the back for something you did right...I would not make it a habit though because you can get carried away. But when life gets me down I know I have something I love, not just something to mask my bad days and make me forget them, I actually have something to improve them; something I will remember.
 That is a part of my name, what I love. At this point in my life, I have to realize what I want my name to be. Do I want a Dr. in front of it, something I am seriously considering? Do I want to simply drop out, write a book and may or may not live on the street for the rest of my life? I will continue thinking about this, while maybe you will start thinking about what you love to do and what you want to remember about your life.

Hello all you happy people :)

Well. You don't know me, and I don't know you. I think this is a great way to start! (Do not fear, I am not usually this cheerful). I thought to start I would talk about people. I am told that I am outrageously judgmental, and I suppose I am...but I am know that I am much better at accepting people when they aren't human.
So as I am getting into this, know where my favor lies...But I will save my earthy/life talk for another time. Check it out! Your saved! For now...hehe.
So, as I was writing...people. If you decide to sit in a different chair in class, say the front of the room, or the back, you will see the whole class differently. Maybe (in a non-creepy way) you notice the screen saver on another person's computer. You notice that they have a life, one that is similar to yours. That does not mean that you automatically like that person...no, I certainly don't. But maybe it will allow you a grudging respect.
Maybe by sitting closer to the front of the room, you would be closer to the door. Maybe that means that you will meet someone different as you walk out the door. Maybe that would mean that you would sit next to someone who just needed to feel like they aren't a total pariah. They usually sit alone and though they might like to look like a "lone wolf" they might want to hear someone's voice directed at them, they might want someone to smile at them, instead of being the one to initiate it...
That is my "something to think about today". There is a lot of hate, mostly for no reason, just because of the way someone looks, smells, talks...whatever. I am going to try to just smile at at least one person I don't know today.
Well, sorry for making it short, but I am on a dial-up connection. Whoo Hoo for country technology!! Thanks for reading...