good news...finally

Jazz is coming back! (If you don't know who that is, read my last post). I will be so relieved to when she is, but in spite of this I cannot help but remember what it was like when they were really mine. On paper they are. I can ride them and do whatever I want with them (love them to death) but when they are at another person's barn I must mean so little to them.
Every morning when I walk down the stairs I stop to stare out of the door to where they used to be. I have to make myself look away. For a second though, I am so sure that they are standing at the fence.
I am practical...at least I like to think about being practical. That is as far as it gets however. I will let you -the internet - know if we make it through. I can't help but wonder if I will be sorry later in life because I have spent every dime on my horses. Right now it is completely worth it.
I spent the better part of the morning cleaning off all of Jazzy's brushes and blankets. She is coming a full 3 months earlier than I expected...I am so happy that I am just waiting for the bomb to drop. But I suppose that will happen with the first board payment. But she is worth it.
I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas and will have a happy new year that is full of good choices and thrilling moments.

Tough 1 Basic Nylon Driving Harness - Horse.com

Tough 1 Basic Nylon Driving Harness - Horse.com
THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS!! PONY IS LEARNING TO DRIVE <3

For love

When a single rock sits alone in a prairie,
When a mare turns her back on the herd,
When she sits alone in a standing crowd;
There is no hope for them.
A wolf stands alone on the edge of his pack
does he miss them?
So alone, but unaffected...maybe.
There is no outward affliction,
No inward decision,
It is okay to not know.

Well, I was going to write about how it felt to be alone inside my head...blah blah blah. I don't feel like doing that anymore. I am not alone, not really. I have buddies; loyal dogs, an awesome pony, an annoying cat, a brother and a mom. I am not going to lie; there are those I miss that thinking of them makes me feel alone. Situations have made me lose those that I love.
If I only had the money, I would not have had to put my thoroughbred down so soon. I miss her. I used to call her "Miss Mel" because she was almost like the grandmother I never had, and I respected her like one. She was free spirit, a bay sparrow, that I had no right to pin under the earth.
If I only had the money, I would not have had to sell Shen; the horse that I had tried so hard with, that had been magical to work with.
If I only had the money, I would not have had to part with Jazz. Now, I believe that everyone who allows it meets an animal in their lifetime that they are truly alike. It is like they were meant to be and they have an understanding with that simply cannot be explained. That's my Jazzy. She is the horse that I have had the longest, that I had not had to fuss over, but I did anyway. I will keep fighting for her.
I am a full-time college student with three jobs and what little child support gets thrown my way. I hate to spend it, but when it comes to my horses, my dogs, and my cat, I will do just about anything. I am watching my dreams fly out the window because of love. It stings a little on the way out, but there is no way that I would ever regret having them over some dream that isn't worth anything when they're not there.
I am not playing a game. I might fuss over the decisions, but really there is no other choice. The books often say that people die for love, and although this might be a different love than they might have been thinking of, it is the same for me.

Thought for the day: Are you truly happy with the way your life is going and with the choices you have made?

counting down

I am counting down the days...6,5,4,3,2,1...until break. The days just don't go fast enough. I am counting down the days until my book is finished; although I think years is a more accurate unit. I am writing to you, my dearest blog, instead of doing this. I am having an ADD period in my life right now. Yes. That must be what it is.
I guess I'm in trouble...I am in trouble because I just don't want to focus. I just want everything to be the same as it was; there was very little change and I was at a point where I could handle it all. Now I cannot get into the swing of things before they switch again on me. It is exhausting. Maybe it is unrealistic to think that things are not going to change...but I guess that is where the media has me wrapped around their fingers.

When the world keeps turning,
Will I get dizzy?
Maybe if i spin with it,
I can avoid the headache.
So I turn,
and turn,
And fall to the ground
where my heads rolls off my shoulders
and across the floor.
Just shake it off.

Thought for the day: Lie on the floor and keep your head on your shoulders.

To go Green you have to have Green!

11 days including today and counting...Final exams are coming up and I suppose I have to start thinking about them. The nice thing about college though is that in between semesters, I have a 5 week break! How sweet is that?
In the middle of all of this, I am watching people signing up for courses to be "on track" for their degree. This is depressing me. I still don't know what to do with my life! What I have noticed (after my mother pointed it out to me) is that this state of mind is almost genetic. I listen to so many people in my family talk about what they have always wanted to do; how they started to go to college for this, if this hadn't happened I would have done this. I know that they would be so much happier if they had actually gone through with the things that they wanted to. To take an art class, to be an opera singer, to teach english overseas, to travel. Now what are they doing? Being not happy.
On the other hand, there are also people in my family doing just what they wanted to do, and all I hear from them is that there are no jobs and there is no money. Then again, is not like those people who did not do what they want are making a lot of money either. I don't know which is worst, honestly. I guess right now, that is what I have to decide. Choosing between two lesser evils.
I just cannot see how having a job with little pay would make me happy at all. I need money to build my dream house in Ireland with my underground library (that I would imagine to look something like Belle's in Beauty and the Beast). Without money, I would not be able to build a nice barn with wooden fencing for my horses that would eliminate all my horse problems....
 I'm not trying to be so materialistic. It would just be nice not to have to worry about my horses and to have a house of my own, with books of my own. Contentment is what I seek. I think that is what we all want...I just think I know exactly how I can accomplish this.
Thought for the day: Find ways to be content RIGHT NOW.

So, it's been awhile

Has anyone seen Leap Year? Well, I decided that I want to move to Ireland...I also found out just how hard it will be to bring my animals...except for horses, which I think is kind of funny. There are many services to ship/fly horses overseas, but dogs and cats are extremely difficult to get into a foreign country. You either have to get them microchipped and lots of blood work done, or be isolated for 6 months!! I find this a bit ridiculous. I found out that I will have to first bring them to England, then to Ireland...oh well, more work, and more money :( . Oh well, we will lay on that hammock when we come to it, i guess.
I am still not sure what I can do with my life. I signed up for 3 english classes, so maybe that is a start. All I really want to do is spend time writing my books, poetry, and working with my animals. Those are hobbies that wealthy people are allowed to have, and unfortunately I cannot count myself among them. I have to work for a living...
Thought for the day: where do you really want to be? Even if you think it is just a dream, make plans to go there!!

The end of fairy tales

You tell yourself that you don't need or want anyone because you can do well enough on your own. Then you read your fairy tales and think about all of those happy endings...and it dawns on you. Those people are not alone, enjoying their happy ending all by themselves. They will never lack someone to talk to, where I am stuck talking to a page and writing about everyone else's utter joy.
That is where those fairy tales get me. In reality, men are not like that; you are lucky if they ever take an interest in you, let alone stay with you. So how can I among anyone expect the man that only lives in fairy tales? This may be the end for me...before I even began, simply because what I want is not possible.
The problem is that right now, I am wasting my life writing about the fairy tale I will never live yet again. Is that not what I do every day? I write stories. Stories about how my life will never turn out, about where I will never live, people who I will never meet. So I spend the rest of the time looking over my shoulder, along street corners, at the tinted windows of a passing car, in hopes that they are looking for me too. They are not.
Thought for the day: think about something else.

A good book...a good life.

Some food for thought (quite literally) : what makes a good book? Well, as I am somewhat of a professional on this subject :P let us please discuss and i mean DISCUSS!! comments are more than welcome in any/all of my blogs, but especially this one. I find comments welcome and helpful, especially to my own writing.
Anyway...do you know how many books have ever been written? I certainly don't, but I imagine that out of all of those, there are bound to be quite a few so called: "unoriginal" points. There are only so many ways to meet a person, there are only so many ways to fall in love, there is only one idea of the original vampire/werewolf, and I imagine that those people who try to make up new versions of mythological creatures are trying to be original....but it doesn't work. sorry.
The reason that they are called 'mythological' is that their origin resides in actual historical events. You cannot make up historical events. Nor can you make up a creature and try to call it the same thing as another creature. It is okay to make a sub-species, but you cannot expand on what a creature is with your own idea.
You know where I am going with this, don't you? The Twilight "saga". Brahm Stoker is the father of this creature. You cannot make Dracula sparkle, Stephanie, you just CAN'T. In the very first book, she told her audience directly that her "vampires" do not sleep in coffins, are not burned by the sun, they're enemies are wolves, etc. Therefore, they are NOT vampires. And for those of you who do not know, Brahm Stoker's vampires control wolves.
So how does one make a great, original book? Well for one thing, you do NOT rewrite a book that you have read because you do not like the ending...I mean, you can, you just cannot publish it. If you want to create new creatures, you may, just give them a new name. I love it when authors employ ancient mythological creatures though, and I am sure that you can find one that matches your criteria because there are simply so many already made.
Thought for the day: Look up mythological creatures and read about one that you know little about. you will also learn your history by doing so!

the American workforce...is a JOKE

All the subjects that I am interested in seem to have no potential job opportunities. I used to know exactly what I wanted to do too, that is what frustrates me. If there was an apprenticeship system where a person has to know what they want to do by the time they are in 8th grade or so, and go into an apprenticeship, it would be ideal and it would be easier to get into a field early on and we would have better services with better educated professionals in their field. People in America are simply not professionals because they do not have a system like this. What the hell is with this whole "well-rounded" idea? Professionals are just that: professionals in their field. If you are good at everything, you are great at NOTHING! It is not just starting children early, it is instilling in them the want to do what makes them happy and balances out the needs of the community.
This way of thinking was employed everywhere many years ago. It kept businesses alive that are no longer in existence, to our detriment. We have no communities, we have only work ethic; no family, or community values. Apprenticeships drive home our need for other people, and personal learning interactions.
This society has doomed me with the promise that I can do "whatever I want to do and take all the time I need". Because, apparently, we live forever and have all the time in the world to live without a job and money. Living with our parents for the rest of our lives or just working in a fast food joint that is fattening up our citizens and contributing to the "bum factor" is not the way to live any dream; however, this appears to be the "American Dream". This is no way to live and help our economy. Move out of the country, learn how to live.
Thought for the day: what can you do to thwart the "American Dream"?

1,2,3, now decide!

Sorry, it just isn't that easy. My entire life I knew what I wanted to be. I did not care how hard it would be to achieve; when people pointed out the obstacles, my resolve would harden further. I guess all of those observations finally hit me, just now.
Those stairs look too steep to climb; my calves burn just peering at them from all the way down here.
The water looks too cold; how do they expect me to dive in to the deep end when I cannot see the bottom. Perhaps sticking a toe in will do...
Meanwhile, the clock is ticking. I cannot be called old, but that does not mean that I will not become old trying. I will spend years of my life that have not already been forced out of me in grades 1-12 trying to reach the ever-mysterious goal of being happy. Because right now I am not. I am not completely unhappy, but I sure could name a few things that would make me happy. Namely; being filthy rich, or even just rich enough that I will never have to worry about falling behind again. I am running the stress gauntlet and I am hoping to God that there is a stress free light on the other end.
Meanwhile, I am stuck in the middle of the gauntlet and scared out of my mind that this is all there is.
Thought for the day: find something to do that makes you happy; forget about everything but the present.

Cheating in the game of life

Often times I find myself unable to focus, unable to remember where I am. I cannot remember memory from dream, or situation in a book from my daily schedule. I find myself scared out of my mind because I distinctly remember that I was under his control because he took my money; the last time I fell in love (or thought I did) he was not who he said he was. I cannot remember if I have lived this, or if I have only read it.
I suppose this is a strange way to make my way around the world, but in cannot help but find myself somewhat happy with this situation. Reading is my way of experiencing situations and personas that would ordinarily be out of my reach.
I have to wonder that if I was not so absorbed in these fantastical worlds, would my own, real life become more interesting? Would I put more effort into it? Right now I feel like I can always fall back on my books, my own characters, and characters that other people have created...I don't know if that's wrong. Without them, would I even be able to survive reality? Would I be able to accept that life is not a fairy tale, and there is no one waiting for me? Can I accept that there does not have to be a happy ending and very well might end up a failure?
I feel like I may have cheated somehow at the game of life. I get to go away for awhile and I'm not sure if everyone can do that. The problem is that when I am forced to stay away from books and focus on something else (like schoolwork) my mind cannot accept it. I can only remember where I am in the book and how it will end...
Because I'm not sure if i care to know how my own life will end.

Two Roads...

There are not many people that I love, but when I love, it is a fierce love.
Then you're not on their mind...when someone new steps in and takes your place, you fight. You fight until you realize that it wasn't you they chose. Then you hate, you despise the person that took them away from you because you have lost your mind. You have lost your mind because your friend is gone...maybe forever.
So what do I do? I have no idea....You cannot simply hate people because they took someone from you. But I can think of no good qualities, no good reason to tolerate their presence. I can just say I'll be waiting when you leave. If they leave...
How can I still be a good person if I dislike a person for this. This feeling can ruin any further relationship further down the road...
This poem by Robert Frost expresses my life right now, maybe it defines yours as well.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

I am the mouse on your kitchen floor

There is something about the upside of a cupboard that says "alone with my thoughts". I slide to the floor. Not so gracefully, but that's okay; no one is watching me. I know this. Even when the room is full of people, there is no one. Their legs are like skyscrapers; they don't feel human, they do not have eyes. 
Below the clouds, there are floorboards that creak as the towers move. Like Tolkein's Ents they are like creatures of another world that even now, impact my own. I must brace myself to this wind, then suddenly, there is no sound.
My eyes are like the lens of a camera, flashing, taking picture after picture. A knot in the golden wood is rough on my hands as I try to remember where I am in the room. It is a close up view of the world that I am used to seeing only as a landscape. I am a mouse on the floor, looking up into the impossibly big world. Unlike such a mouse, I am unafraid. This is a corner of my mind. A place where yes, everything looks big, but everything is up close and I can see its very nature. From down here, the world is going nowhere. There are no windows, no time of day. Just a cupboard, an oven, a turnaround in the corner. All sitting lazily by, not caring whether or not I pay attention to them.
I almost want a bite of cheese.


Thought for the day: Sit alone on your floor!
thanks for reading...

What's My Name Again?

Well, you don't know it. But I should probably know, right?
It has been a good day so far. Riding my pony made it much better this morning. I feel that it's ok to get excited and pat yourself on the back for something you did right...I would not make it a habit though because you can get carried away. But when life gets me down I know I have something I love, not just something to mask my bad days and make me forget them, I actually have something to improve them; something I will remember.
 That is a part of my name, what I love. At this point in my life, I have to realize what I want my name to be. Do I want a Dr. in front of it, something I am seriously considering? Do I want to simply drop out, write a book and may or may not live on the street for the rest of my life? I will continue thinking about this, while maybe you will start thinking about what you love to do and what you want to remember about your life.

Hello all you happy people :)

Well. You don't know me, and I don't know you. I think this is a great way to start! (Do not fear, I am not usually this cheerful). I thought to start I would talk about people. I am told that I am outrageously judgmental, and I suppose I am...but I am know that I am much better at accepting people when they aren't human.
So as I am getting into this, know where my favor lies...But I will save my earthy/life talk for another time. Check it out! Your saved! For now...hehe.
So, as I was writing...people. If you decide to sit in a different chair in class, say the front of the room, or the back, you will see the whole class differently. Maybe (in a non-creepy way) you notice the screen saver on another person's computer. You notice that they have a life, one that is similar to yours. That does not mean that you automatically like that person...no, I certainly don't. But maybe it will allow you a grudging respect.
Maybe by sitting closer to the front of the room, you would be closer to the door. Maybe that means that you will meet someone different as you walk out the door. Maybe that would mean that you would sit next to someone who just needed to feel like they aren't a total pariah. They usually sit alone and though they might like to look like a "lone wolf" they might want to hear someone's voice directed at them, they might want someone to smile at them, instead of being the one to initiate it...
That is my "something to think about today". There is a lot of hate, mostly for no reason, just because of the way someone looks, smells, talks...whatever. I am going to try to just smile at at least one person I don't know today.
Well, sorry for making it short, but I am on a dial-up connection. Whoo Hoo for country technology!! Thanks for reading...