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What I Would Do To Avoid A Mental Breakdown by Janna Herchenroder is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Castle With a Moat

i blurred my eyes
                    so i can no longer see your face
I close my fists
                    to leave no space where your hands could be.
I close my mind
                    so this migraine will keep my thoughts away.
But exhausted i lie
And all night i see your face;
What could have been.
Waking with tears
Having to rebuild
The fortress once again.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

the Companion


I find myself
Lost
On a dirt path
In the middle of
Nowhere

I turn round
And round
No house
Human
Animal
In sight

Sinking down
I wrap arms around my knees
And make
Pleas of desperation
Devastation
Anger
At myself

Then
Sweet warmth at my back
Gentle arms wrap
About my waist
A whisper in my ear

“it’s okay, I am here”.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Shallow Well of a Pasture Somewhere

Soft
cool
earth
warms underfoot
and swirls between my toes.
I only want the grass
the wet
strands
that sometimes cut
the creases of my skin.

I will
dig
deep
and
deeper
until I am surrounded;
all sides rising above me
in dark security.
Roots entrap my ankles
and hold me
tightly to
Mother's breast.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Something I found that is soooo perfect :)

ALL GUYS SHOULD READ THIS ;
- when she pulls away, pull her back .
- when you see her start crying, just hold her & don't say a word.
- when you see her walking, sneak up & hug her waist from behind.
- when she's scared, protect her .
- when she steals your favorite hoodie, let her wear it .
- when she says she loves you, she really does mean it!
- when she grabs at your hands, hold hers & play with her fingers.
- when she tells you a secret, keep it safe & untold.
- when she looks at you in your eyes, don't look away until she does.
- when she reposts this, she wants you to read it ♥
- when she's mad, hug her tight & don't let go.
- when she says she's okay, don't believe it.
- call her at 12:00 am on her birthday to tell her you love her.
- treat her like she's all that matters to you.
- watch her favorite movie with her even if you think it's stupid.
- don't talk about other girls around her.
- kiss her in the pouring rain.
- when she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is, " whose
butt am I kicking baby?"



Thought for the day: 
Women these days have learned to stand alone and do most of these things for themselves. Wouldn't it be nice, if you surprised your girl with the actions on this list? Make her feel good today, it will be sooooo worth it!



Saturday, November 19, 2011

Stained Letters

             I sit in a spinning room. There is needlework on the walls with sayings that dig deep into my skin. I am in the center, with my knees held to my chest, as the world turns. Faster and faster, I am dizzy and sick to my stomach, but it won't stop. After a moment of trying to follow the colors and letters that blur past, I have to put my cheek against my knee and close my eyes. My stomach still won't settle. I made the first move...I pressed the button on the wall that started this endless turn of events. I did not check to look if there was an off button...even if there is, I cannot see it now.
            I know at some point I will become so sick that I will be unconscious to the world, but for right now, I just wish for some end.

      There are colors in my head
       I'm sure they match those
      In my heart.
      It feels as if there are words
      In some unknown language
      That are written there.
      I fear that when I try to read them
      I won't like their message.
      So I am stuck
      In a turning room,
      Ill for all eternity.
      Until I face the stained
      Letters on my heart.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Oh Handsome Knight....sigh

           Don't lose hope for your knight in shining armor; He is there. There is someone out there who thinks of you at every moment, who will open every door hoping that you are behind it. There is someone who would travel through the endless desert sands, the deepest reaches of the deadly ocean, if he could find you. He would call every morning just so the first voice you hear in the morning is his, and the first person he speaks with is you. Who would try everything to find a way to make you happy, to comfort you when you cry or are in anger. Fix me.
          When I cry, I wrap my arms about myself and try to delve deeper inside where it is safe, isolated, and the same. I plead for you to drag me out, but I shouldn't have to. When I laugh, you ask me why, and only when you learn the reason will you laugh - if only at me. There are more important things that hold your attention.
           There is no human man out there that is capable of loving endlessly, being truly romantic without guile, or thinking of only one woman. After coming to this realization you have a few options: a dog is really your best bet for hugs, adoration, laughing when you laugh, loyalty. and listening; God is always sitting right next you, ready to listen, to take on your pain, your joy, your love. Just remember that humans are never going to always be there for you; unconditional anything is simply beyond their mind capacities and abilities.
           Meanwhile, so many of us will be sitting on our steps waiting for Prince Charming to come searching for only us. I suppose I will treat this entry as a checklist.

Thought for the day: Don't be afraid to have high standards...but don't let yourself wait around forever.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

A Note to the Elephant In the Room:

Dear Sir,
Your stare is getting quite difficult to ignore or avoid. I find that I truly want to look into your gaze - it may not be so terrible as I may have imagined. Out of the corner of my eye I see your shifting eyes and I lose my nerve.
 Sometimes I open my mouth as if to speak to you (I am quite lonely, you know) and quickly snap my mouth shut.
Above all else, I am afraid of your voice, of what it might sound like. I know it must be great and terrible.
 I fear what you would say. You wouldn't shout at me, I'm sure. It would be like a rumbling tremor in the floor that would ripple to where I stood. You would tell me how impractical I am being, how I am emotionally unstable and I need to get my act together. I just know I would break under the weight...
....because I know it's all true...
You have planted your enormous hide in the corner that I enjoyed the most. No longer being able to approach this corner, I feel my daily life...lacking. My coffee pot is over there...
I feel the room move when you shift your weight; you only do this when I find myself forgetting that you are there. I cannot forget for more than a few sweet moments.
I wish you would pack up and leave, but where would you go?
I feel bad dismissing you so. If you are going to be in anyone's way, it might as well be me, I suppose. You are company at least. Besides, if you leave now, I would probably miss you.
Most Sincerely,
Your Host

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Room Leans to One Side Under My Feet

This dark room is filled with...well, anything but you. I try to tear my mind away - perhaps if I focus on the whiteness of the walls...they really need some good paint.
I keep the tv on and flip the channels, trying to find a laugh. I finally land on "Whose Line is it Anyway". It helps for a few minutes. But I wish you were sitting here with me, watching it.
The white light of the computer hurts my eyes after so long, but I'm afraid to put it away. I keep out as many distractions as possible. I try to make myself comfortable, but nothing is the same as home. I try to keep the window open, but I go quickly from hot to cold. Laughter brings tears to my eyes and I forget for a moment...then I suddenly want to share scene on tv with you.
Something has changed. Only a few spare weeks ago, I wasn't afraid of my thoughts. Sometimes I think that I wanted to share every thought with you anyway...it didn't matter that I didn't know you yet...I just knew that you were out there. But I wasn't afraid to turn out the lights at night before I met you. Until one morning I dreamt that you were sleeping next to me and I couldn't understand why you weren't there when I woke up.
Now that my exhaustion has caught up with me, I hope I sleep soundly...and I still want to think of you. I fear you are not thinking of me...after all: life gets in the way.
I fear you may have become my life, so my room is slanting and all the furniture is rolling to my end and I am cramped over here with chairs tripping me up because I can't help but see your face. You seem to be dwelling deep in thought while you sit on your remaining chair, looking down at me. You have to dig your heels in deep to keep from joining me...I just hope you don't do that on purpose.

Monday, October 31, 2011

My published poem...


Read me

How can one assign a voice to words?
How can one know what we sound like?
If there should be a slight pause there
More emphasis here?
The voice that one chooses might drip with color
But a color that has nothing to do with meaning.
I could look like bright ripe cherries filling an orchard,
When in fact I’m on a boat out on
The churning sea that has not seen a cherry in weeks.
No,
I think you should just look at us
With our delicate lettering
Our mysteries that are different
Depending on how black one’s coffee was this morning,
The article in one’s favorite news column,
How soft one’s pajamas were
The night before.
All of these things are accounted for
With the slightly confused,
Smug, bored, sad, thrilled, or angry
Look on your face when you read me.



This is my published poem. I have put it up on my blog because I am not making money when the book sells...if you Are interested in buying the compilation book of poems: "From a Window: Balance" . Thank you for reading :)

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Let us consider for a moment....

...The Couch under my butt. My laziness has appalled me today, but for once, I would like to rest on someone. So, my dear Couch, you are a savior to me. 
Although, I do not seem a terribly optimistic person, I have my ways of bringing you up that might make sense only to me. If I seem harsh, cold, too practical, or too detached, it is because I feel that you must stand on your own. It is a lesson that I have learned over a long period of time, that I would like to make shorter for you. 
I have found, in my vast amount of years on this Earth (hehe), that there is nothing worse than relying on other people. They will say the most wonderful things, introduce wonderful ideas of how good they will be to you, what fun you'll have....then drop you on your soft behind until you've become so bruised, you will even find the softness of your bed not quite adequate. 
So, friends, I now introduce the idea of holding a pillow under you, so that when you fall, you will not bruise quite so hard. Do not believe, without copious amounts of proof, that you can lean on a person. If you need someone right now, a shoulder to cry on, I would get a dog (cats break under this sort of pressure). 
In order to hold up on your own and not lay trust on every living, breathing creature, you must build yourself up. If you need someone to speak to, you will find that the different sections of your mind become quite interesting opinions and make for wonderful conversation. You will also find that you make a great cheerleading squad all by yourself. 
Now as you're reading this, I am certain that by now you're thinking me quite mad, and possibly phoning my mother or any institution that may help. Please consider, friends, that this is an extremist attitude that does not have to last forever, but is helpful in the first stages of partitioning off. After a certain amount of time, you can become a "one-man army" that doesn't just trust every single person on the street. 
An important note to make also: actual trustworthy people (completely hypothetical) who encounter people who have been practicing this attitude for a long time: climbing these walls WILL take time and effort. That is the whole purpose of having this attitude. Only the TRUE good eggs will actually make it into your life. 


Thought for the day: Be more supportive of yourself. Don't look to others to bring you up if you can't rely on yourself to give it a good go.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Salty Eyes


I said I would never
Give myself away
That I would always be mine
To love and cherish.
Then you happened.
And I saw your eyes
And I kissed your smile
And I don’t know where I went.

Then you left me
As suddenly as you came
And I am lost.
These pathways I tread
Are supposed to keep me happy.
I never thought of you
In my plan.

This ink has spilt all over
The blueprints of my life
I cannot remember
The coordinates
And I am lost at sea.

You have muddled the shape
Of the constellations
And the North Star
Has veered off to the South.

I paddle my oars
In panic
But there is no shore in sight
And my map has fallen into the
Salty sea
That I fear I might have created.

Do not bother coming back
Because I would rather
Die here
Not knowing where I am
Than being drowned by you
In your eyes,
That I lost myself in.

To the Wall Adjacent to My Bed:




Your coolness is exactly
What I need.
A hard, unyielding presence
To take the place of
His warm body.

I caress my fingertips
To you
And feel safely confined,
A stopper to the endless
Reaches of my thoughts.
He is not here, he is not here.
It is just you and me
Help me fall asleep…

Fear


Fear…
In the corner
There is a shadow
At times it leaps to my eye
And forms a shape.
It lies there
Heavy with potential
Until nightfall.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Highwayman by Alfred Noyes...

Alfred Noyes (1880-1958)
                                   The Highwayman
                                        PART ONE
                                                 I
    THE wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,
    The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
    The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
    And the highwayman came riding—
                      Riding—riding—
    The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door.
                                                 II
    He'd a French cocked-hat on his forehead, a bunch of lace at his chin,
    A coat of the claret velvet, and breeches of brown doe-skin;
    They fitted with never a wrinkle: his boots were up to the thigh!
    And he rode with a jewelled twinkle,
                      His pistol butts a-twinkle,
    His rapier hilt a-twinkle, under the jewelled sky.
                                                 III
    Over the cobbles he clattered and clashed in the dark inn-yard,
    And he tapped with his whip on the shutters, but all was locked and barred;
    He whistled a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
    But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,
                      Bess, the landlord's daughter,
    Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.
                                                 IV
    And dark in the dark old inn-yard a stable-wicket creaked
    Where Tim the ostler listened; his face was white and peaked;
    His eyes were hollows of madness, his hair like mouldy hay,
    But he loved the landlord's daughter,
                      The landlord's red-lipped daughter,
    Dumb as a dog he listened, and he heard the robber say—
                                                 V
    "One kiss, my bonny sweetheart, I'm after a prize to-night,
    But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light;
    Yet, if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,
    Then look for me by moonlight,
                      Watch for me by moonlight,
    I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way."
                                                 VI
    He rose upright in the stirrups; he scarce could reach her hand,
    But she loosened her hair i' the casement! His face burnt like a brand
    As the black cascade of perfume came tumbling over his breast;
    And he kissed its waves in the moonlight,
                      (Oh, sweet, black waves in the moonlight!)
    Then he tugged at his rein in the moonliglt, and galloped away to the West.

                                        PART TWO
                                                 I
    He did not come in the dawning; he did not come at noon;
    And out o' the tawny sunset, before the rise o' the moon,
    When the road was a gypsy's ribbon, looping the purple moor,
    A red-coat troop came marching—
                      Marching—marching—
    King George's men came matching, up to the old inn-door.
                                                 II
    They said no word to the landlord, they drank his ale instead,
    But they gagged his daughter and bound her to the foot of her narrow bed;
    Two of them knelt at her casement, with muskets at their side!
    There was death at every window;
                      And hell at one dark window;
    For Bess could see, through her casement, the road that he would ride.
                                                 III
    They had tied her up to attention, with many a sniggering jest;
    They had bound a musket beside her, with the barrel beneath her breast!
    "Now, keep good watch!" and they kissed her.
                      She heard the dead man say—
    Look for me by moonlight;
                      Watch for me by moonlight;
    I'll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way!
                                                 IV
    She twisted her hands behind her; but all the knots held good!
    She writhed her hands till her fingers were wet with sweat or blood!
    They stretched and strained in the darkness, and the hours crawled by like years,
    Till, now, on the stroke of midnight,
                      Cold, on the stroke of midnight,
    The tip of one finger touched it! The trigger at least was hers!
                                                 V
    The tip of one finger touched it; she strove no more for the rest!
    Up, she stood up to attention, with the barrel beneath her breast,
    She would not risk their hearing; she would not strive again;
    For the road lay bare in the moonlight;
                      Blank and bare in the moonlight;
    And the blood of her veins in the moonlight throbbed to her love's refrain .
                                                 VI
        Tlot-tlot; tlot-tlot! Had they heard it? The horse-hoofs ringing clear;
    Tlot-tlot, tlot-tlot, in the distance? Were they deaf that they did not hear?
    Down the ribbon of moonlight, over the brow of the hill,
    The highwayman came riding,
                      Riding, riding!
    The red-coats looked to their priming! She stood up, straight and still!
                                                 VII
    Tlot-tlot, in the frosty silence! Tlot-tlot, in the echoing night!
    Nearer he came and nearer! Her face was like a light!
    Her eyes grew wide for a moment; she drew one last deep breath,
    Then her finger moved in the moonlight,
                      Her musket shattered the moonlight,
    Shattered her breast in the moonlight and warned him—with her death.
                                                 VIII
    He turned; he spurred to the West; he did not know who stood
    Bowed, with her head o'er the musket, drenched with her own red blood!
    Not till the dawn he heard it, his face grew grey to hear
    How Bess, the landlord's daughter,
                      The landlord's black-eyed daughter,
    Had watched for her love in the moonlight, and died in the darkness there.
                                                 IX
    Back, he spurred like a madman, shrieking a curse to the sky,
    With the white road smoking behind him and his rapier brandished high!
    Blood-red were his spurs i' the golden noon; wine-red was his velvet coat,
    When they shot him down on the highway,
                      Down like a dog on the highway,
    And he lay in his blood on the highway, with the bunch of lace at his throat.
                  *           *           *           *           *           *
                                                 X
    And still of a winter's night, they say, when the wind is in the trees,
    When the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
    When the road is a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
    A highwayman comes riding—
                      Riding—riding—
    A highwayman comes riding, up to the old inn-door.

                                                 XI
    Over the cobbles he clatters and clangs in the dark inn-yard;
    He taps with his whip on the shutters, but all is locked and barred;
    He whistles a tune to the window, and who should be waiting there
    But the landlord's black-eyed daughter,
                      Bess, the landlord's daughter,
    Plaiting a dark red love-knot into her long black hair.


Make sure that you read this more than once. This poem has such an impact on me. This is what you must think of when you think of human potential; both the writing style and the topic. Picture this in your mind. Long for the "purple moor", for the suddenness of love. How does this relate to contemporary culture? How much does this poem rely upon it's setting? 

This poem saddens me for the loss of an older culture; one that was more simple, more emotional, with more belief in the supernatural. There is a huge lack of this kind of writing in today's society.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Art of Learning



So we show her
How to laugh.
We show our teeth
And let out a loud cry
Supposedly of joy.

How to succeed
To not take no for an answer.
To push away our happiness,
Our laughter
Until there is time for it
If there is time for it.

So we show her
That love is earned
By your grades
Your attitude
By how perfect your smile is
How tight your handshake
We will determine your perfection.

How to pay attention
And to obey without question
Even if your thoughts are racing
Behind your eyes.

But no one thought to teach her
To cry out in pain,
To succumb to bursts of laughter.
That love is unconditional
And she is never alone.
That joy should be treasured
And that there is always time for happiness.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

What Time We Have

At least I don't go halfway;
I will subject myself to
heartbreak,
imposition,
betrayal.

I will always go 
farther for you
than you will go for me
because i am
loyal,
unconditional,
selfish.

I will keep you
to myself
so that one moment
in my life
will be happy,
will be worth it.

I can only hope 
that i will be
worth your time
because time
is of the essence
and time
is limited.

I have decided
that you are worth mine.
Am I worth yours?


Thursday, October 6, 2011

dear me..

Lord, let me feel,
as you do,
as you want me to.
I hold back when i shouldn't,
and I give in when I should hold
myself to myself...

But these tears,
they build and tower above me
until they fall like bricks
and stub my toes
and yours...

I will hold myself
In my own arms
until the shame,
the hate,
the loneliness leaves me

But someday,
I want your arms to hold me.
I want you to take
my hatred,
my doubt,
my shame,
and let me cry
or stare lovingly at the wall
if that is what i need most.



Friday, September 23, 2011

The Invisible Elephant


If you switched places with me,
You would never understand
Why nobody was looking at you,
Why nobody listened when you spoke,
When they shoved past you without apology,
Without even a glance in your direction.
If you were me,
You would have to learn faster than I have
What it’s like to be invisible,
What it’s like when a compliment is passed your way,
Like the occasional dog treat for the good girl.
Harden your stare,
Because you know that if they look at you
It’s because there’s a stain on your shirt, you tripped and fell or your shirt is ripped.
Some people will be kind,
But it is hard to hide their pity,
I know,
I’ve studied them.
When you’re me, and I’m you,
When you stand next to me,
You will feel like an invisible elephant.
So big they have to pretend hard that you’re not there.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Phantom pains

An extract of italy,
with veins of grapevines,
that pour life into my thoughts.
A scene from ireland,
the paintbrush that licks the page
and pours greenery into my eyes.
I have never touched their soil,
Have never felt their sunshine,
or rain.
so how do i know?
I can feel them across the pond,
across the Mediterranean;
Simply because i want it so bad.
Their grapes are meant for my tongue,
their hills are built under my feet.
I can feel it.

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Importance of a Nest

I haven't been able to sleep lately. Just shutting my eyes for any period of time was beyond me with everything going on in my head. I would just bolt up and decide that I should make a list, just to get all my worries down on paper where I could handle them tomorrow. Even after I threw my thoughts up in ink, I would wake up at the oddest hours and panic that my alarm had gone off for work. Tea seemed to be in order.
Sleepytime tea should really do the trick as well as calm my allergies that were scratching the back of my throat. So I got into bed,  read a little bit of Daughter of the Forest by Juliet Marillier (my favorite author, whose books I have read countless times), and started dozing off to some music. Then out of nowhere, I realized that I only had about two more weeks of this.
For you to understand, I must tell you how I feel about my room. For starters, my bed is awesome. It is so big and comfortable, with a hole I created by sleeping in the exact same spot every night: about a foot wide of space right near the edge on the far side away from the wall. Did I mention it was a queen size bed? I don't use about 3/4 of it. I think just knowing that I can have all that space is what's really nice about it. Even if I wanted to move to the other side near the wall I would not be able to. I have tried and I just end up rolling downhill into my nest.
I would be leaving my nest, my big beautiful room with the 4 big windows. My experience of campus life told me that I was not going to have the quiet either. At home I go to sleep to nothing but the sounds of the woods and my dogs barking. There is very little human noise polluting my dreaming air. Except for the Ghost Train that comes by around 5 every morning. We don't have any trains within hearing distance from our house; not that we can see anyway. This one chugs along the back of our property somewhere and as far as I know, I am the only one that hears it.
I turn off my music. I can listen to those songs anywhere, but I will not be able to hear this again any time soon. I slept well last night.

Thought for the day: What do you need to hear as you go to bed?
Thought for campus students: This kid gets angry without sleep!!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Helmet Spaceship

Have you ever had a motorcycle helmet on your head? It is like having a living room on your face. One minute you are looking out into the world - presumably at the road - and the next you could be a little person looking out a huge spaceship window. It is the strangest perspective I think I have ever tried.
Thankfully, I was sitting on the back of the bike and wasn't driving (note to viewers: I cannot drive a motorcycle, it is my mother's). My eyes peered over the controls to the screen. I am watching life fly by me on the big screen. It feels right, it feels like I am literally in my mind, looking out.

Thought for the day: Find a motorcycle helmet - even if you have to go to the store and be the weirdest looking shoppers there :) try it on and you'll see what I'm talking about!funny_motorcycle_helmets_funfry_res.jpg

Monday, August 8, 2011

Paper Airplane



Flitting about the room
Trying to find an escape,
Perhaps at the window with its invisible bars
Whirling in deceptive twists and turns
Repeatedly flapping its wings against the glass
But the scrawling script that spots its tail
Adds weight and drags it to the floor.

If you lose your paper airplane,
People might see the thoughts
That you wanted so much to fly away;
The only part of you that could.
 So it must be kept locked in the room
With painted clouds and a cold, dark sun.
It’s fancy display is
The choreography of your thoughts
Not simply paper and ink.

You did not choose a tree trunk
Because you know that these thoughts
Are not forever.
You did not choose the bathroom wall
Because your pen most certainly
Would run into another’s hands.

No. you chose to write a chain of letters,
Forming thoughts
On a folded piece of paper
That is a fleeting bit of
your soul on a biplane.
If you had told me,
What you wrote,
I would have typed it down here,
For the world to see.

Copyright  "darlyarabian" and affiliates

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Here's an idea: Viewer's Choice

I want ideas for writing pieces to get my creative juices flowing. My next post will be a viewer's choice post. You choose the topic and genre of my next blog piece. I will disregard any immature or immoral ideas, but other than that, you may now have the floor. Please comment on the post with your ideas. Thank you :)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Don't Even Ask...

Driving down the road through heavy traffic is a fairly new concept to me. I used to get up at least 2 hours after everyone was already at work. Naturally, I guess I am a late riser; late to bed, late to rise. I mean, what is there to get up for? What kid really wants a job when she can just hang out at home watching tv all day? That is probably what I would be doing right now if I did not actually have to go.
Some parents cannot wait for their child to get a job and are the reason most kids have to go to work. I don't think my mother even mentioned it...But without having a job early on, I wouldn't be able to care for my children.  Do you know when this all started? I think I might. I was about 6 years old and living in the suburbs. We had about 100 feet of backyard and we had recently given away our collie dog who did not quite understand that he couldn't have the whole town to romp around in. He went to live on a farm. I wanted another dog and I guess I mentioned a horse too. I thought that when we moved it was because I wanted a horse and we didn't have enough room. Silly me. But when you put such occurrences so close together, how was my little mind supposed to understand that I was not the cause for moving?
Well, that was the start  I guess. I didn't like my first horse, which I think would come as a surprise to anybody. Every girl wants a horse, just be happy you have one, right? I was 12 and she was...well, too friendly. Thinking back now, I bet she was pretty good, we just didn't hit it off. I didn't want to get up at 7:30am for her. People thought I was lazy and that horses were a phase. I'm telling you now, I just didn't like her.
Then came Jazz and Memory Lane in the same year. I was in love with the orange chestnut mare who wouldn't look at anyone unless they carried food. So I carried a LOT of it. They had been neglected and were underweight. They became my life. Every fiber of my being was dedicated to making them better. I was out there with them everyday; brushing, sitting, feeding, riding them. I got up every school day at 5:30am for them. Memory Lane lived to be 36 years old and I like to think of her as a grandmother figure to me. Jazz I gave away only recently. I miss you baby.
I look back and I even wonder at how amazing clicking with a horse is. Everyone else is just left out when you look at them. Onlookers cannot see it. I know this because of how many people who told me to sell them. Not my Jazzy baby. Anyone who could feel it would never tell me that. Tears stream down my cheeks even thinking it. There is nothing I would rather be doing then just sitting out in the pasture with them grazing around me, dogs lying next to me, cat in my lap.
So folks, you can ask me anything. You can ask me about my future, you can reprimand me about it, but I have no future without my horse, without my dogs, without my cat. They have kept me alive as I have kept them alive. So don't even ask.

Thought for the day: DON'T EVEN ASK. think about what you would be without an animal in your life, and when you're done sobbing hysterically, and becoming outrageously depressed, you can talk to me about it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I wish I had a million dollars! Hot Dog!

Well, I found a college that I really love. It has my major; there is even the option to to minor in Irish Literature!! The study abroad options are to Ireland and England. It sounds so perfect. My mother and I went to visit the campus this past weekend. It was so beautiful and the on-campus housing that I was offered was better than most sophomores get :)
We did not just go up to look at the campus. First we looked at horse barns nearby and met with trainers. I would love to bring Geronimo up with me! He is 4 years old and has a locking stifle. If he and I don't work on our working relationship soon, we will not be able to reach any of my goals. He might not recover from his injury if he isn't worked out of it by the time he is fully grown. So I am working within a time frame on both my education and my horse. Both require money.
I am unable to get a loan to finish paying the college bill. That's what this all comes down to. This is the problem with parents going through divorce, putting all my money into horses (which, no matter what happens, was SO worth it). That is all okay if I didn't get to glimpse what I could have. Everything was going so well before I found out about the money (or lack of). I got some of the best campus housing, the best educational opportunities, the best barn opportunities to help me and Geronimo.
Now we are going to hope for the best.

Thought for the day: What God gives, God may take away. Don't even think that you can control anything in your life.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

What doesn't kill you....

Well, my friend, I believe that  I can call myself a friend to you. I have seen myself as selfish in many ways, and I believe that in this new light, I am attempting to reverse my selfish acts. Although, as I think on this, it may in fact be more selfish than for your own good. That is perhaps a good thing then; no matter how difficult this may be for me at first, it might just help to free me.
I don't want to be stuck here forever. I have always wanted to travel, but I have not been able to because I have horses. I love having horses, they are my freedom and I believe that having them has saved my life in more ways than one. But I cannot take them with me when I go...I at least want to try being flighty for awhile and it is not possible to act like that with horses. I am young, I want to be free to be young and go where I want for awhile. The sad part of that is that I will not be able to come back to life just the way I left it...By nature I dislike change...but it is probably better if I can make the changes and not have to wait for them to be made for me and having the life wretched forcefully from my hands. This may be best, my dear.

Thought for the day: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

just say yes

I feel that I must get opinions upon matters that confuse and irritate me. In many aspects, I suppose I don't trust my own judgment, but after some thought, I think I have realized something. I think that I must try to understand why I have these feelings and not only evaluate the facts. The facts are important and often determine the appropriateness of the reaction; however, if something makes you feel very strongly, then you must assume that there is reasoning behind it.
I personally thought that I was just downright crazy. But I must have chosen to take on this person's confusion which, because I was so involved, was not entirely my fault. Now I am unsure of my own self. No one has the right to make you unsure of yourself. Know that. Memorize it. Live it.
That person may just think that I am crazy right now. But I am only looking for answers to keep the confusion at bay. To move past it, I must only make the decision to, and not waste my mind away.
So here I am talking to you, whoever you are, trying to avoid a mental breakdown. If you have never experienced such confusion or have never been on the recieving end of this sort of treatment, read this and learn to empathize.
Rules can be a very good thing. But if they do not allow you to ever act upon feeling, there is something lacking...or too much there. If you completely avoid an experience, person, way of life, you will never know if you like it or not. That sucks. That is no way to live.
 I have recently realized that I just hate it when people say no to me. For any reason really. I know that it may seem childish, but don't ever just say no. Have you ever seen the movie "Yes Man"? In this movie, a man that normally says no, is made to say yes to just about everything. This causes him to actually have a life and to experience amazing things that he never would have had the opportunity to experience had he stopped it before it happened.
Thought for the day: go with the flow and do not say "no" right away. Try saying "yes" to more things and maybe you'll be happier with your life for it.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Flashback

Freeze.
An image from, only two years ago. She's laughing, thin (well, thinner than me), and she's just about as pretty as someone like her can get. I envy her.
I envy me. I don't remember being particularly happy that year. I honestly don't remember much about it, just that it was a very different day than today. I almost wished I had not seen those pictures. How did I get like this, if I had once been like that. Yes, life changes, but I shouldn't make myself change with life. Right? There should be a foundation, a stability point that I should be able to circle around. I just don't have that kind of determination....
which is sad, i suppose. I can't blame others when they go with the tide, I just would hope better of myself. See?
Not that I wish I were someone else; that's not it at all. I'm just searching for the better me. The problem is that I found her in the past...not the future. I'm sensing major changes.
On the better side of news today: I am having a poem published :) it's not too huge of a deal, but it's my first! So, needless to say, I'm psyched!
Thought for the day: In what period of time is your best self? If they are in the past, maybe it's time to touch base with them in the future...

Thursday, April 7, 2011

poetry week :)

Anyone is welcome to post in "comments" their favorite poems! I just want to share a few: some of mine and some other interesting ones. I never liked reading poetry until i was interested in writing it, except for the following poet:
God's Wheel by Shel Silverstein
GOD says to me with a kind
of smile, "Hey how would you like
to be God awhile And steer the world?"
"Okay," says I, "I'll give it a try.

Where do I set?
How much do I get?
What time is lunch?
When can I quit?"

"Gimme back that wheel," says GOD.
"I don't think you're quite ready YET."
 
Forgotten Language by Shel Silverstein
Once I spoke the language of the flowers,
Once I understood each word the caterpillar said,
Once I smiled in secret at the gossip of the starlings,
And shared a conversation with the housefly
in my bed.
Once I heard and answered all the questions
of the crickets,
And joined the crying of each falling dying
flake of snow,
Once I spoke the language of the flowers. . . .
How did it go?
How did it go?
 
Silverstein is a very fun read. Note that he has a very particular "voice" in each of his poems that is unmistakeable. I once memorized two of his poems for a 4-H presentation and I remember them to this day:
Snowball
I made myself a snowball
as perfect as can be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
and let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas,
and a pillow for its head,
but then last night it ran away,
but first it wet the bed.
This poem has always been my favorite :) You have to love how fun they are!
Thought for the day: Read more poetry and write one poem about absolutely anything that comes to mind. I'll give you guidlines later!

Friday, March 25, 2011

should i stay or should i go?

I suppose that it is a good thing to be torn between two things that you love. It means that you have options and that both of those options would be satisfactory. The problem is that if i choose would that mean that i would forever miss the other option? 
So many times I feel like God is pushing me out the door to get on with my life. "Go to Ireland, Janna, just go for it". But the problem is in order to leave i must become unattached to my life here and now. My pony, Geronmo (the spotted one) got hurt and might not be rideable and my horses were a main reason for me to stay... i just wish i could take everyone with me. I wanted to take Geronimo with me...which would be difficult but worth it if her were a sound horse. 
I am lost. I can see what i want in 10 years, the whole problem is that the whole picture is impossible. Depressing :\ but whatcha gonna do? I guess that's why I write...because in this way, it can become true...see?
I don't know...
Thought for the day: Make sure you consult your head AND your heart before doing anything!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Ranting about grammar :P

Just because you have read many books does not mean you know or understand how to write correctly or use grammar correctly. It is the nature of those books you have read that counts. If those books are off-color or purposely have bad grammar, you will become accustomed to that form of writing and come to write the same way. Do not base your grammatical understanding on these works! I have spent many years studying grammar and finding books that accurately represent perfect writing. No, fictional works do not all have to have perfect grammar if it proves some point or gives aide to the story line.
To learn description, similes, metaphors, etc. poetry is your best offense. Reading Tolkein is also a good idea. When you read most books, choose an author's later works for better literature. Again, this does not hold true for all, but most.
Better yet, do not try to edit another's or your own writing if you do not understand grammar and you cannot write.
Thank you for reading my rant and hopefully those who need to read this will.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

It sits in the waiting room of your brain

So...when I write, I don't think. I know that may sound awful, but when i have a keyboard or a pen in front of me, it is painful for the page to remain blank. So, phrases of whatever sort come into my mind and flow onto the paper. In a perfect world, I would write all the time. Yes, there are critics everywhere; I just wish they could meet my characters the way that I have, then they would see. Instead, because I am not published and nowhere near published, no one will meet them. No one will know what I see the world coming to...what I see us coming to. I have a story to tell. NO, it is NOT a memoir; who says I have to live something to write it? IMAGINATION PEOPLE.
 My book is becoming my memory. Now that I have written these events - am still writing these events they are part of me. I often mistake what characters have gone through as my own memories, which is confusing. It kind of makes sense though; in many ways I have been through these events with my characters emotionally and have followed their thought processes. Although, what this might have done is to prevent me from physically going through anything. Many would argue that I stay in safety while the characters go and risk their necks.
So...my book. What I am writing is an experience that books have not yet given me; experiences that I would like to have. That is the cool part about writing something yourself. IT CAN BE ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT!! Do you know how freeing that is? You now have permission to do whatever  you want (in your head) no laws, rules, annoyed teachers, or otherwise frowning adults, to stop you. Go, and be free :)
That is what I want to do. I want to give my own readers an experience that I believe is worth having. I want them to meet my characters that might shed light on the reader's life. I want to create a completely different world that may not be relatable so that readers can get away from their lives for a little while.
Sigh. Someday....
Thought for the day: try to write a good short story/ writing piece. Write about an experience(s) that you want to have more than anything, and have fun with it!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Screaming!!!!!!!!

I guess everyone has those days when they are so full of it, even if they don't know what "it" is. The slightest things set me of this afternoon and I am so glad that nobody heard me.
At least Jazzy understands (see picture in previous post), she turns her head and swivels an ear in my direction. She just stands in the sandy arena, tolerating my hearty swearing and streaming eyes in response to the unfair world...over nothing really, but I just can't seem to stop. I know what you're thinking, but this is not pms, I think it must have been building frustration. I suppose that everyone needs a good vent once in a while...only, I was hoping that it would put me in a better mood. I seemed to have the rapt attention of all the horses in the barn; for once I was making more noise than them.
I know that so many people say that they love talking to animals because they don't talk back, but I don't think those people are good listeners. Animals put in their 2 cents every once in a while. My dog groans loudly if he has seen a movie more than twice or if you rant about the same thing all the time. If you are talking about him, he looks at you out of the corner of his eye.
Jazzy keeps eye contact with me while i'm speaking, when I leave and come back, her nostrils quiver, nickering. Who needs people when they're around? I honestly cannot picture my life without them.

Well, It is Superbowl Sunday and I am currently in the ER. The hospital is force-feeding me football in the waiting room. I glance up once in a while to see the commercials. I have never watched any part of the game before or its commercials. Police officers wander in and out of the room, nonchalantly watching the tv for a moment, and then returning to wherever it is they had come from.
Everyone is on facebook, which shows me that they are not giving the game their full attention. HAHA, I caught you.... :)
And I am stuck here, in the ER, missing good movies, a run on my elliptical, and an awesome piece of pie; perhaps I would be doing all of this simultaneously. Yup, fun stuff on a typical evening. The point is, I could never do that on a school night.
Thought for the day: If you're going to rant, make it short :P

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Life writing

I had a professor tell me today that I was an amazing writer...needless to say I love her right now. That may just be the difference between a fictional writing class versus a literature class; they consist of much different professors with different reading and writing preferences. I suppose there is also a major difference between the genders on this subject. From my own personal experience, women tend to like things that are more poetically written, even if the poetry is vulgar, it cannot be harsh. Men tend to like the opposite: the ugly truth, drop-dead honesty. As a writer, I tend to display everything- even ugly emotions in beautiful script. No, this does not mean that I am always an optomist or trying to make something what it is not; I simply want to make it enjoyable to read, no matter how devastating the actual topic.
When an author writes something so blatantly, it shows me that they cannot create depth to their writing and they might be writing just as they speak. I would not want to have a conversation with that person. I believe that life itself is not always beautiful, and in those moments it is better to make some aspect of it so.
Thought for the day: Try to make your words (whether spoken or written) beautiful.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

In the perfect world

In the end, it is my own feelings, my own emotions that completely throw me off. I know how my characters would handle the world; they would take each obstacle in stride and never lose control, never say the wrong thing. That is not my life. When am I ever really in control? I want it, need it so badly. If I could control my life as if it were a novel. I cannot write anyone else's script, but I even find that I cannot write my own...it is disappointing and often painful.
I cannot find the perfect people for me... or rather the perfect person, but then I think. What if my longings are completely made up? Do I simply imagine them so that they fit into this story that I have worked up in my mind. These perfect moments grow higher in my esteem, but still I choose to jump without even checking if there are sharp rocks at the bottom.
Maybe if my adrenaline stopped pumping I would become bored and uninterested even in my perfect world. That's awful, but it is these thoughts that keep running through my mind. I jump when I should not jump and linger at the edge if maybe I should.
Thought for the day: Think first, but not too much.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Moon and stars

So, this is the problem with not having internet at home...I cannot blog and rant to you. If this is a relief to you, I am not really forcing you to come to this page.
Anyway, this is my first day of classes for the spring semester. I did make it so that I have a 4 day weekend every week which is nice. All the more time to work and be at the barn. Jazzy is back and I still love her. Even though none of the money from my paychecks or child support actually go to me, the horses are more than worth it. At the same time I dream of being able to just pick up and leave. I want to travel the world. A hard dream when you have 2 horses, 2 dogs, and a cat in tow and no money for yourself. I just know that having them is the right thing to do. They are family and they have saved my life countless times. I can think of nothing I would rather do than just spend time with them.
I think that it is indeed a terrible thing that I should be so dependent upon money to live my dreams, but maybe in real life there is no such thing is having both things. Many people have learned that the hard way. Even though I hear about it all the time, my head and my heart say two different things, and I let my heart win. I do this because I know that if I did not, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

Thought for the day: Although you be the stars and moon, I cannot live without the sun.